Mixed feelings.

So lately I've had many mixed emoitions. I feel selfish, mean, angry, left out, fake, depressed, annoyed, ect. I feel like I haven't changed "enough" since the accident. I feel like I'm just dinking along without having any real purpose and I get so mad at myself for that. I feel like I haven't gotten any closer to the Lord since this happened, but I don't really feel myself drifting away from Him. I just feel myself falling into the same old rut I was in before. I feel left out and annoyed, because people aren't really sure what to say to me now, so they don't really say anything at all. I feel like I don't have anyone outside of my family to really talk to about whats going on, but when I do talk about Ashley, I feel so selfish and like I'm dragging them into a dark hole. I feel annoyed when people don't ask me how I'm really doing. then I feel selfish for thinking that. I feel horribly selfish when I get mad at people for telling me about their "stupid little lives" when they seemingly don't give a crap about me. I just want someone to sit with me and hold my hand while I have a good cry and say everything thats on my mind. I feel my depression kicking in again, and that is the last thing I need right now.

My sweet Niece!

I'm starting this blog because no matter how many people say "If you need anyone to talk to I'm here", I just can't seem to express to anyone whats going on inside.
About 3 weeks ago my beautiful niece, Ashley, died in a horrible boating accident. She was 11 years old. She was such a happy little girl and her love for the Lord still amazes me. She always had such a big smile on her face and she made everyone feel special. She was so creative and she loved to dance. Whenever she came out to visit us she always had big things planned for the time that she'd be here and half the time most of them fell through. She told me on her last visit here that I was everything she wanted to be when she grew up. How I wish I could have seen her grow up into a wonderful woman of the Lord, and I pray that I can live up to even half her expectation of wanting to be like me. I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, I miss her joy, I miss her beautiful face, I miss all the years that have been robbed from us, I miss her.